Be submissive. Be gentle. Christian men want gentle, submissive women. Don’t be angry. Anger is so unfeminine. Get married to a man who is your equal, but will lead you. Marry someone you can submit to. Don’t marry a non-Christian, but hope that one of the dwindling numbers of Christian men left will pick you. God has a man planned for you. God doesn’t have a man planned for you. Don’t settle. Don’t be fussy. Do children’s work, and enjoy it. Don’t teach adult men in the Church, no matter your giftings.

Stop being submissive. You’re betraying all women vicars everywhere by your personal life choices. Stop limiting yourself to children’s work. You are entitled to more, whether you want it or not.

Be a feminist, because women should be treated equally.

Don’t be too feminist. That’s unbiblical.

Want to get married. Want to have children. Be a housewife.

Don’t base your life around getting married, or having children. Be happy on your own. Get a job. Serve God. Show that God is enough for you. And then a man might want you enough to marry you.

But don’t worry. Stop feeling guilty. God loves you just as you are.

Be beautiful. Beauty is a gift from God. If you don’t get married, your physical beauty will be wasted. Don’t base your worth on your looks. Resist the world’s messages. Dress in a feminine way. Dress modestly. The clothes you’re wearing are sinful. The make-up you’re wearing is sinful. You’re causing men to sin. Don’t feel guilty. For freedom you have been set free. Be healthy. Your body is a gift. Look after it, or you have abused God’s gift. Don’t struggle with body image. You’re a child of God. You’re better than that.

But don’t worry. Stop feeling guilty. God loves you just as you are.

Be pure. Be a virgin. If you’re not a virgin you’ve already impossibly hurt someone you haven’t met yet. You’ve lost an irreplacable part of you. If you’re not a virgin, you’ve committed a huge sin that  you’ll have to carry with you. But don’t worry. Don’t feel guilty. God loves you just as you are. Just don’t do it again. Think pure thoughts. If you’re a virgin, don’t think about sex, or want sex. Don’t struggle with sexual desire. Don’t talk about sex. Unless you’re married. If you’re married, please your husband regularly and appropriately, and only feel attraction for him.

But don’t worry. Stop feeling guilty. God loves you just as you are.

Be content. Accept the circumstances you find yourself in, and have complete trust in His plans. Work to change things. Develop yourself. Be proactive. Be passionate, but not aggressive. Seek out opportunities to serve. Work hard, and learn things. Smile at your troubles. Don’t be depressed. Be joyful.

And above all, don’t worry. Stop feeling guilty. God loves you just as you are.

Based on ‘How to be a woman’.

threads, I’d love to read ‘How to be a Christian Man’. Someone get on and write it.

Written by Hannah Malcolm // Follow Hannah on  Twitter

Hannah resents the notion of summing herself up in 50 words, and refuses to do so, thus revealing more of her character than 50 words ever could. Vive la révolution. On the other hand, the fact that this bio is precisely 50 words long indicates certain obsessive, anal tendencies which

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