1 – Alarm goes off. You Google: tips for running a marathon.
2 – You’re on the ‘start line’, or half a mile behind it, nestled between someone dressed as a beer bottle and a middle-aged women in a tutu on the verge of tears already. “What have I got myself into?” you mouth to no one in particular.
3 – You finally cross the start line and it’s time to press ‘go’ on whichever tracker you chose. You silently wish you’d gone for the simple watch one, rather than trying to twist your arm band around far enough to start your app, while still running in a straight line.
4 – Wait, where did the beer bottle go? He’s dressed in three metres of foam and he’s already lost me before we’ve reached mile one? Oh man.
5 – Thank goodness. Mile one. Only 25.2 to go! This is fine! I am fine! I love the marathon! What a buzz.
6 – I’m definitely going to get a good time. Maybe I can go even faster than I planned for. A sub-four-hour marathon is the dream. Imagine the number of likes I’m going to get.
7 – Where are my friends? I’m sure I told them to wait for me around here.
8 – Oh my goodness. I’m dying. How am I only on mile three? How am I running so fast? I was supposed to be running 10-minute miles. It’s OK to be doing 8-minute miles instead, isn’t it?
9 – I’ll slow down soon. When I see that beer bottle I will slow down.
10 – There’s the beer bottle! Or is that a different beer bottle? Why are there so many beer bottles? Maybe I should have dressed up. Then at least I would have an excuse if I have to give up. As soon as I cross the finish line I’m getting a beer.
11 – A water station! Just a few sips. Don’t drink the whole thing. Remember what that article said. Oh dear, I’ve nearly finished it now. I just won’t pick up a water next time.
12 – My friends! They’ve actually come! I love them. I love the marathon. This is the best day of my life.
13 – This is the worst day of my life.
14 – More water. Yaaaaaaaaay. I love water.
15 – Half way. I can’t go on. Please God make this end. Maybe some water will make me feel better? EVERYTHING IS AWFUL.
16 – Beyoncé is exactly what I need right now. Yes, we do run the world. I will run for you, Beyoncé. I’ve got this. But wait, do I need the toilet? No, I can’t go to the toilet, I read online that they’re really gross. I’ll just sweat it out, it’s fine.
17 – Nope, I have to go to the toilet. NOW.
18 – Not that toilet though. I’ll just wait for a clean one. I don’t care about my time now… all I care about is a few minutes of not running.
19 – Why won’t my legs start again? Why is this music so annoying?
20 – More friends! *sobs*: “I love you so much. Give me all the Haribo you have, please.”
21 – I’m actually nearly finished. I’m going where I’ve never gone before. Six miles left. That’s nothing. Anyone can run six miles. Even before I started training I could run six miles.
22 – OK, six miles is quite far.
23 – What a crowd. This must be what it’s like to be Taylor Swift. SO many fans screaming my name. I bet Taylor Swift could run a marathon. In Ray Bans. Maybe I should have worn Ray Bans. She looks so cool in Ray Bans.
24 – Nearly there. I think it’s just around that corner. This is taking longer than expected. I can see the finish line! I am one with the air.
25 – I’ve done it! I’ve run a marathon! I am a champion! No one can stop me! Why am I crying?
26 – Oh no, my phone’s died. If my app hasn’t logged this run I will cry even more than I currently am. How will I ever find my friends? I have nothing in the world but my medal, which I am never, ever taking off. Oh there are my friends. “HELP ME AND GIVE ME ALL THE FOOD YOU HAVE.”
26.2 – Cancel all plans of celebration and instead go home with the intention of toasting your achievement there. Fall asleep within 20 minutes of getting in, dressed in your medal and finishers t-shirt.