I was celibate for a long time before getting married recently. But sometimes that celibacy was a real struggle. Wearing the mask of a ‘happily single, waiting on the Lord kind of woman’, was even harder. The more I tried to ‘control my desires’ the more out of control I felt.
Once I stopped focusing on what I didn’t have and started pursuing my other passions and dreams, I began to feel so much more fulfilled. My whole life took on a new meaning and I no longer felt as frustrated. In fact I began to love my life so much that I no longer felt the need to find a man to complete me. It was then that I met my husband.
While single and celibate I began to fully embrace the fact that God made me to be a spiritual, physical, emotional and sexual being. I’ve come to understand that as women, God simply adores us. That includes our breasts, our vaginas, our curves, our scars and stretch marks and just about everything else we have.
Being a Christian woman does not mean that you should ignore your sexuality. Sexuality is a crucial part of a woman’s health and well being – mentally and physically. It is therefore vital that as women we learn to get comfortable with our bodies and talk about what’s going on inside, including sexually.
Many of the single Christian women I speak to feel isolated, sexually frustrated, inadequate or confused. This situation of prolonged singleness has created a crisis.
Sexuality of any type is often not discussed in many UK churches. From my experiences both as a leader and as a member of various congregations, many UK churches have traditionally found it hard to talk about sex and relationships and often shy away from what is seen as controversial issues.
I’ve written a play called Holy and Horny. It not only adds to the discussion of singleness and celibacy; but it also addresses taboo issues such as domestic violence, sexual health and sexual abuse – subjects rarely discussed within churches; and as a result many Christian women often suffer in silence.
I’ve tried to address questions that many Christian women have, but have been discouraged from asking due to tradition, socialisation, and cultural norms. This silence is doing a disservice to our communities, and ourselves. We need to change the dialogue. We need to keep it real and tell it like it is!
Sexual assault and domestic violence are significant issues facing women today. Research shows that more and more women, including women of faith, are not reporting incidences of sexual abuse or accessing sexual health provisions. Violence against women and girls is a worldwide pandemic – approximately one out of every three women worldwide will be beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime. And one in four girls will be sexually abused before they turn 18.
With these sobering statistics in mind, more UK churches should be at the forefront in the fight against Aids, STDs and sexual abuse instead of sweeping these issues under the carpet.
There is a great need for women of faith to know God’s ‘true’ perspective on sex and relationships.
Fact: God LOVES sex. Sex is God-given
Fact: God loves our bodies.
Fact: God wants us to enjoy an active sex life…within a loving marriage
Throughout history, women are often seen in opposing sexual terms, either as completely non-sexual or perpetually sexually available. But we need to dismantle these stereotypical notions and reclaim women’s sexuality while embracing the biblical perspective. In my humble opinion it is possible to be holy and horny at the same time. It is possible to be anointed and have sexual desires. Having a sex drive is godly, healthy and human.
Holy and Horny will be showing as part of the Breaking the silence empowerment day for women at The Arena, Wolverhampton on 25 October 2012. Email tonya@tonyjoybolton.com for more details.
The organisation, Restored, are able to able to give more information and support on issues of domestic violence.